Today is a bit sad.

I found that one of my friends past yesterday. I pray that my friends that were closer to her than me can make it through.

Hey guys its 02-02-2012!!!

Seeing how we are supposed to die this year (Just joking ) I decided to come out on facebook today.
Well actually in a few minutes. I am doing this because today I saw the story of Ashley Duncan. If you haven’t then google her name and articles should pop up. On Monday Ashley decided to take her life , Despite the fact that she was giving hints on Twitter and Tumblr. I read Ashley”s twitter and her tumblr and i realize that we are alot alike. None of the stories that i reed have reportedly Ashley as being LGBT but when I looked at her blog she is clearly gay and dealing with depression. I feel as if am/are in ashley’s shoes dealing with depression and heartbreak when no one takes you seriously. When people in my community (African-American) constantly tell you ,” Everyone has problems” ,” Just pray” ,” Give all your problems to Jesus and things will get better”. The same people that tell me things offer no support or shoulder to lean on. Honestly there is/ and was a point my in life praying , religion , and hoping for the better did not work. IF i did not seek help I would be Ashley. I can identify with her feeling invisible< not having anyone to talk to, or not wanting to burden people with your problems. I also have the feeling of not wanting people to feel sorry for me, expecting me to sit around and cry all day and be the selfish debbie downer. More or less i just understand and im sympathetic to her story. I will post fb status and reactions later.

I’m addicted

I like this new show.  I have watched all the episodes and waiting on the next. I hope you guys enjoy!!!

 

Episode 1

#2

#3

#4

Late night thoughts

I know I should be sleeping but once again I’m up thinking you about you
Maybe this is the year my eyes will gaze on a face that will make my heart stop and my train of thought lost.
Missing you is testing my patience. I will admit that I have been anxious to point where I sometimes look for you in the wrong places.
Yes, I know He and I discussed it. Your coming I know, It’s just sometimes I have a fear of you passing me by.
Keeping you in my prayers
One day soon, A night just like tonight I will be up thanking him for you.
For the all the time we spent apart
All the experiences he allowed me to learn how to treat you and love you
As much as I want you to hurry up get and here
Don’t come too soon, I still have much more to learn.
But then again you’ve always had perfect timing
I’ll see you when you get here
Love Cass,

I have been bitten by the lesbian wheel twice.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. I know i did and I hope that 2012 will be a great year for everyone. My sister told me this quote that she borrowed from tv, ” You only fail if you quit.” and that’s our new motto.

Anyways … Did i ever tell you guys the time i dated these two girls that were ex’s. I dated this one girl (D) first and she was definitively the more masculine one in the relationship. Then i think i dated her also feminie ex ( S) i think immediately afterwards. In my defense i didnt know they dated until i was with S and figured it out. It was messy when found out about me … That was one phone call i will never forget.

But back to the present.

OK so in November I made a post about me and my ex gf nay were at party right. I think i did. If not me and nay were at a house party we got pretty drunk made out the whole night this girl RA chick was there. Back track to August 2010 when i first tranferrred to my hbcu and i was feeling the RA chick and we went on a couple of dates. Nothing came out of it and then i meet nay. Nay knows every that happened with RA chick. So to present day Nay and RA chick happen to work at the same place. Nay and I were still dating in Nov.2011 until “we” supposedly decided that our a relationship wasn’t best for us. So nay was still talking to me as if everything is good and we would be back together.Nay was actually helping to beat my depression.So last week we had been broken up for a little under a month. Nay decides to spoon feed me the bullshit that her and RA chick are dating and it was unintentional. I am told to be believe that it just kinda happened …Just like we kind just happened to break up. I didn’t take that information very well. I told both of them to fuck each other till their clits fell off ( Maybe a bit much). I fully understand that I let my anger get the best of me it was very immature to say that. I apologize to you guys I know am better than that. So i ended that night with facebook/twitter deleting and blocking spree .OH and i my always faithful stress reliever of a glass,hammer, and plastic bags.

Other than that i had great holiday. Jokingly i told my mother that i wanted a Mr. Potatao head for Christmas and on Christmas Day I got a wrapped sweet potato. Mom said,” I thought you probably want the Mrs. Potatoe head.”

Random party conversations:
Mel: Man it is so many girls i can blackmail, i have so many naked pictures in my phone.

Cass: Why do have naked pictures in your phone? And who does that anymore?

Nay: You know mel’s a sexter.

Cass: Wait what? A sex texter. Wait so straight people send each other pictures of body parts.

Mel: Yea why is that new to you.

Cass: So you just send a text that says, “put my dick in your mouth” and then you send a picture of your dick.

Mel & Nay: yea more or less

Cass: I don’t understand and i don’t get that. So just send a picture and a few texts and that’s it.

Mel: yep kinda

Cass: Wait how does she get wet. How does she climax? What does she put her phone on vibrate and you rapidly hang up and call back?

Mel & Nay: What?

Mel: Cass do you want to see a picture of my dick. I have a mushroom dick?

Cass: OH MY GOODNESS No! why you try to scar us for life like that. *walks away with nay*

Cass: Wait isn’t Mel gay? The naked hoes and the text sex just threw me off.

Nay: Yea he is but Mel has always had a little thing for you

Cass: Yea no. I didn’t know that was sexting either. My sexting experience is/was more imaginative , like two authors writing erotica to each other.
You wanna sext later tonight?

Nay: No you don’t just ask someone right out?

Cass: Why were dating… your my gf.

Nay: No you suck at it.

Cass: I lick and swallow. Ask about me.

Nay: Were you smoking earlier?

Cass: Only thing i was smoking was dat tale last night

Nay: You were out of town yesterday.

Cass: Damn nay ! Every time i try to get a semi relevant comeback you kill it.

I laughed, spen…

I laughed, spent time with my family, they reminded me how much they love me , and today i realized that i’m not alone. Another step in a better direction.

Last weekend a fire broke out.

i had such a relaxing weekend which was well deserved after what seemed to be the longest weekend of my life.
Friday was spent with my comfy bed , bubble bath and Roberta flack.Saturday night i went to a party that was great we watched the Alabama game ( i don’t really like football i went for the drinks.) Sunday me and roommate got into. I called the police and im no longer living there anymore.My apartment let me out of my lease. I feel like a weight has lifted. I’m happy to be less stressed.
Aden

Monday night

I am not in love with this cold weather. I miss my southern warmth.

Well i have havent updated in awhile , maybe some months who is counting anyway.
A mini update

max,aden and myself are the cutest family ever.

Bw and I got back to together … When the topic of her moving to al came up. After waiting a week she told me for the 2nd time in our relationship that she was going back to ex wife to try and work things out. Kinda crushed me so yea

looking back on it i don’t regret what happened with jade. All things happened for a reason and i would never take back any of the feelings that i felt for her during our relationship. Of course as the days goes and I can think numerous reason of what i did wrong and what we did wrong. At this point in life my thoughts on it as of now is all think that matters. Yes i loved her, i thought she was “the one”, but that doesn’t mean that we were supposed to end up together. The moments we had were beautiful but it just time to move on. I’m glad that i longer feel as if i am waiting for the right time,situation, and place. There is no guaranteeing in waiting for things outside of my control to change.

I’m ran a 5k this month for the first time. Yah!
i really enjoyed it and i think i will train more for next year. It took me 30 minutes to finish which i don’t think is great

I changed therapist and I doing great as far as my depression goes. I came out to my mom about it and she has been super supportive.
Telling my parents was very difficult that not only was i taking off a semester from school but i was taking of to battle my depression which wasn’t going well at the time. It was hard i broke down in tears because i thought i always had the answers and everything figured out. But i didn’t and i needed help. Asking for help was the most difficult question that i think i have ever asked my parents before because i didn’t want them to think that i have failed. But as of today im doing better taking each day head on. Im starting to live for myself.

Part 3 – Love Struck Reality

How is that i go from O-155 in two months?

Lesson learned:
1.) I rush things. I need to slow down. As much as i love BW and i want to wake up to her in the mourning this time in AL is my growing period. If she wouldn’t have reminded me of that i would have stressed myself out over trying to be with her.

2.)I took things from 0-100. My main intention was just to express myself in May, In June i wanted to marry her. I was uhaul-ing and slowing down is a hard process to learn. Still trying to swallow my dose of humble pie. I have emotions and feelings that shouldn’t be rushed and so does she.

3.) CJ:When i failed out of college at 19 , one of my first thought were how do i become better person for her.

CJ:Which makes me feel uneasy because I know that she could find someone else older who has a career that could be enough for her. And that makes me question why I didn’t take school seriously and flunk out and I compare it to I wouldn’t be in this position with the person who I love if I would have taken care of business. I would be graduating sooner and the whole your college type shit wouldn’t be an issue that I would have to hear on her list of excuses of reasons why she loves me but won’t allow herself to fully love me.

I have kinda accepted to be ” it is what it is” . I stress out over the little things sometimes.

My resoulutions
a.)Even though i do have that fear of her meeting someone else, I can no longer hold on that .Because i hold onto that fear and it turns into me worrying about things i can not change. I could meet someone also at the same rate as BW. We could both be torn in-between the two.

b.) The past happened, I learned, and I’m becoming wiser everyday. I can not keep downing myself for the flunk out I admitted it, I approved my actions, so its time for me to move on. For every opportunities i take or not take there is always going to be something that i will have to forgo.

c.) I want BW’s absolute happiness, i want her to achieve every goal she ever set etc., So if she finds someone else than I’m happy that she is happy. Not saying excited but happy that she will be well taken care of. I know that she is always going to have some part in my life regardless. Whether her role is big or small am happy that i have some piece. That i was able to meet a beautiful wonder and fall in love and learn about myself. Even though the situation is not what i wanted , i have faith that God has a plan for my life and the right woman will either appear or reappear when the time is right. So im content at being BW’s friend right now im actually learning more about her without the clouded vision. I can’t limit myself during this growth period my options are semi-open. Im not trying to really mess around with peoples emotions and stuff , Clearly from the Im committed post i have changed. This is a time to explore myself and get back to me.

If you have any questions let me know
Cass