Late night thoughts

I know I should be sleeping but once again I’m up thinking you about you
Maybe this is the year my eyes will gaze on a face that will make my heart stop and my train of thought lost.
Missing you is testing my patience. I will admit that I have been anxious to point where I sometimes look for you in the wrong places.
Yes, I know He and I discussed it. Your coming I know, It’s just sometimes I have a fear of you passing me by.
Keeping you in my prayers
One day soon, A night just like tonight I will be up thanking him for you.
For the all the time we spent apart
All the experiences he allowed me to learn how to treat you and love you
As much as I want you to hurry up get and here
Don’t come too soon, I still have much more to learn.
But then again you’ve always had perfect timing
I’ll see you when you get here
Love Cass,

I have been bitten by the lesbian wheel twice.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. I know i did and I hope that 2012 will be a great year for everyone. My sister told me this quote that she borrowed from tv, ” You only fail if you quit.” and that’s our new motto.

Anyways … Did i ever tell you guys the time i dated these two girls that were ex’s. I dated this one girl (D) first and she was definitively the more masculine one in the relationship. Then i think i dated her also feminie ex ( S) i think immediately afterwards. In my defense i didnt know they dated until i was with S and figured it out. It was messy when found out about me … That was one phone call i will never forget.

But back to the present.

OK so in November I made a post about me and my ex gf nay were at party right. I think i did. If not me and nay were at a house party we got pretty drunk made out the whole night this girl RA chick was there. Back track to August 2010 when i first tranferrred to my hbcu and i was feeling the RA chick and we went on a couple of dates. Nothing came out of it and then i meet nay. Nay knows every that happened with RA chick. So to present day Nay and RA chick happen to work at the same place. Nay and I were still dating in Nov.2011 until “we” supposedly decided that our a relationship wasn’t best for us. So nay was still talking to me as if everything is good and we would be back together.Nay was actually helping to beat my depression.So last week we had been broken up for a little under a month. Nay decides to spoon feed me the bullshit that her and RA chick are dating and it was unintentional. I am told to be believe that it just kinda happened …Just like we kind just happened to break up. I didn’t take that information very well. I told both of them to fuck each other till their clits fell off ( Maybe a bit much). I fully understand that I let my anger get the best of me it was very immature to say that. I apologize to you guys I know am better than that. So i ended that night with facebook/twitter deleting and blocking spree .OH and i my always faithful stress reliever of a glass,hammer, and plastic bags.

Other than that i had great holiday. Jokingly i told my mother that i wanted a Mr. Potatao head for Christmas and on Christmas Day I got a wrapped sweet potato. Mom said,” I thought you probably want the Mrs. Potatoe head.”

Random party conversations:
Mel: Man it is so many girls i can blackmail, i have so many naked pictures in my phone.

Cass: Why do have naked pictures in your phone? And who does that anymore?

Nay: You know mel’s a sexter.

Cass: Wait what? A sex texter. Wait so straight people send each other pictures of body parts.

Mel: Yea why is that new to you.

Cass: So you just send a text that says, “put my dick in your mouth” and then you send a picture of your dick.

Mel & Nay: yea more or less

Cass: I don’t understand and i don’t get that. So just send a picture and a few texts and that’s it.

Mel: yep kinda

Cass: Wait how does she get wet. How does she climax? What does she put her phone on vibrate and you rapidly hang up and call back?

Mel & Nay: What?

Mel: Cass do you want to see a picture of my dick. I have a mushroom dick?

Cass: OH MY GOODNESS No! why you try to scar us for life like that. *walks away with nay*

Cass: Wait isn’t Mel gay? The naked hoes and the text sex just threw me off.

Nay: Yea he is but Mel has always had a little thing for you

Cass: Yea no. I didn’t know that was sexting either. My sexting experience is/was more imaginative , like two authors writing erotica to each other.
You wanna sext later tonight?

Nay: No you don’t just ask someone right out?

Cass: Why were dating… your my gf.

Nay: No you suck at it.

Cass: I lick and swallow. Ask about me.

Nay: Were you smoking earlier?

Cass: Only thing i was smoking was dat tale last night

Nay: You were out of town yesterday.

Cass: Damn nay ! Every time i try to get a semi relevant comeback you kill it.

I laughed, spen…

I laughed, spent time with my family, they reminded me how much they love me , and today i realized that i’m not alone. Another step in a better direction.

Last weekend a fire broke out.

i had such a relaxing weekend which was well deserved after what seemed to be the longest weekend of my life.
Friday was spent with my comfy bed , bubble bath and Roberta flack.Saturday night i went to a party that was great we watched the Alabama game ( i don’t really like football i went for the drinks.) Sunday me and roommate got into. I called the police and im no longer living there anymore.My apartment let me out of my lease. I feel like a weight has lifted. I’m happy to be less stressed.
Aden

Monday night

I am not in love with this cold weather. I miss my southern warmth.

Well i have havent updated in awhile , maybe some months who is counting anyway.
A mini update

max,aden and myself are the cutest family ever.

Bw and I got back to together … When the topic of her moving to al came up. After waiting a week she told me for the 2nd time in our relationship that she was going back to ex wife to try and work things out. Kinda crushed me so yea

looking back on it i don’t regret what happened with jade. All things happened for a reason and i would never take back any of the feelings that i felt for her during our relationship. Of course as the days goes and I can think numerous reason of what i did wrong and what we did wrong. At this point in life my thoughts on it as of now is all think that matters. Yes i loved her, i thought she was “the one”, but that doesn’t mean that we were supposed to end up together. The moments we had were beautiful but it just time to move on. I’m glad that i longer feel as if i am waiting for the right time,situation, and place. There is no guaranteeing in waiting for things outside of my control to change.

I’m ran a 5k this month for the first time. Yah!
i really enjoyed it and i think i will train more for next year. It took me 30 minutes to finish which i don’t think is great

I changed therapist and I doing great as far as my depression goes. I came out to my mom about it and she has been super supportive.
Telling my parents was very difficult that not only was i taking off a semester from school but i was taking of to battle my depression which wasn’t going well at the time. It was hard i broke down in tears because i thought i always had the answers and everything figured out. But i didn’t and i needed help. Asking for help was the most difficult question that i think i have ever asked my parents before because i didn’t want them to think that i have failed. But as of today im doing better taking each day head on. Im starting to live for myself.

Part 3 – Love Struck Reality

How is that i go from O-155 in two months?

Lesson learned:
1.) I rush things. I need to slow down. As much as i love BW and i want to wake up to her in the mourning this time in AL is my growing period. If she wouldn’t have reminded me of that i would have stressed myself out over trying to be with her.

2.)I took things from 0-100. My main intention was just to express myself in May, In June i wanted to marry her. I was uhaul-ing and slowing down is a hard process to learn. Still trying to swallow my dose of humble pie. I have emotions and feelings that shouldn’t be rushed and so does she.

3.) CJ:When i failed out of college at 19 , one of my first thought were how do i become better person for her.

CJ:Which makes me feel uneasy because I know that she could find someone else older who has a career that could be enough for her. And that makes me question why I didn’t take school seriously and flunk out and I compare it to I wouldn’t be in this position with the person who I love if I would have taken care of business. I would be graduating sooner and the whole your college type shit wouldn’t be an issue that I would have to hear on her list of excuses of reasons why she loves me but won’t allow herself to fully love me.

I have kinda accepted to be ” it is what it is” . I stress out over the little things sometimes.

My resoulutions
a.)Even though i do have that fear of her meeting someone else, I can no longer hold on that .Because i hold onto that fear and it turns into me worrying about things i can not change. I could meet someone also at the same rate as BW. We could both be torn in-between the two.

b.) The past happened, I learned, and I’m becoming wiser everyday. I can not keep downing myself for the flunk out I admitted it, I approved my actions, so its time for me to move on. For every opportunities i take or not take there is always going to be something that i will have to forgo.

c.) I want BW’s absolute happiness, i want her to achieve every goal she ever set etc., So if she finds someone else than I’m happy that she is happy. Not saying excited but happy that she will be well taken care of. I know that she is always going to have some part in my life regardless. Whether her role is big or small am happy that i have some piece. That i was able to meet a beautiful wonder and fall in love and learn about myself. Even though the situation is not what i wanted , i have faith that God has a plan for my life and the right woman will either appear or reappear when the time is right. So im content at being BW’s friend right now im actually learning more about her without the clouded vision. I can’t limit myself during this growth period my options are semi-open. Im not trying to really mess around with peoples emotions and stuff , Clearly from the Im committed post i have changed. This is a time to explore myself and get back to me.

If you have any questions let me know
Cass

Part 2

So a week later we started talking everyday ….long story short she ended her relationship and emotions were rekindled etc. All the mushy stuff and memories just flooded back to me.But of course reality sets in we are in two different states. I live in the south and she is in the midwest and there is an age difference.

I told a really good friend the second part through email, Im just going to paste it. My friend asked me why i was having mixed feelings about BW. So this is my response at the time

A few days pass and she tells me how she is thinking about coming to school in AL for in accelerated masters program because she is changing careers. I know that she wanted to go to this program in another state. I told her I would only want her come if it was her best decision for school and that I’m graduating in two yrs so our graduations are only a few months apart so wherever she was I would be there. But , I would come visit her first before the summer was out and during the semester so that we could decide whether or not the feelings we have for each other are still there when we are together then we would be to proceed from there. So a few days ago we having a conversation and it went like this:

BW: Did you like the marsha ambrosius song

Cj: I did I read the lyrics and listened to it…

BW: Good

CJ: I can see how it reminds you of me
Do you want me to hold your broken heart in my hands ? I can fix it ?

BW: I trust you more than I have trusted anyone in a long time.
Maybe that’s why I’m scared but at the same time I don’t care. Its hard to explain.

CJ: How did I earn your trust ?

BW: I don’t know if you earned it to be honest. There is just something about you. You remind me of pure love. Before I got my heart broke for the first time,
Before I had to think everything through, before I stopped trusting. That’s why I know that I want you in my life regardless of what role you play.
Even though we are apart and haven’t seen each other in a while I feel more connected to you than I have anyone. I realized I never even mourned F(BW recent ex girlfriend who live in a different state than BW) I felt
Bad for what I did but I never missed her like I missed you or wanted to be near her. I never trusted her I just assumed she did what she wanted to and as long
As I didn’t see it I was fine but with you I trust you but at the same time if you were sleeping with some girl there I wouldn’t care bc I know we aren’t Together and you wouldn’t have the connection you have with me.

From this conversation and the ones we had since I get that she clearly understand her feelings for me. My emotions come from when she disappears on me like she recently has. I rather her be able to communicate with me. I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her more than anything but at what point does she stop running. Yes there is an age difference and a location difference. I am not pressuring her for a relationship but I’m not moving again for her. The distance is something that I think we just have to deal with. I even told her I would come see her every two months. I have always taken the first step but I can’t want it for her.How long does she really expect me to chase her. Which is why I have mixed emotions she tells me one thing and yet I feel like she is too afraid to jump or just let herself be ok with being with me. Which makes me feel uneasy because I know that she could find someone else older who has a career that could be enough for her. And that makes me question why I didn’t take school seriously and flunk out and I compare it to I wouldn’t be in this position with the person who I love if I would have taken care of business. I would be graduating sooner and the whole your college type shit wouldn’t be an issue that I would have to hear on her list of excuses of reasons why she loves me but won’t allow herself to fully love me.

My bag of emotions and thoughts on BW and long distance relationships part 1

Let my start with even though i feel as if my love my sucks it really doesn’t. I’m at the point in my life where I’m trying to learn so much about myself and analyze every once of my being that i sometimes get overwhelmed. These last months have been emotional ups and downs as far my love life and bw but the one thing that is great that has come out of it i learned a lot about myself.

Back story: Me an BW(My beautiful wonder or jade ) we met in college had a great relationship and then failed at long distance. I was 18 and she was i think 25 at the time and then she graduated etc.
So I never got closure from the relationship because of the way we ended things. It was also harder to get closure from her because we would appear in each other lives every six months. For me it was hard to move on and everyone i would date wouldn’t be her.So i would be upset and my relationship with whoever would fail and what do you know six months has past and were back communicating and its great for me. But then reality sets in were apart by distance and she disappears.

Ok so Im going through my therapy and etc and the one of the things im working on is expressing myself. So few day after my birthday i decided that i was going to tell BW how i felt about her and what happened with us. Now from our past experiences i have learned to have no expectations with her. Some days she acknowledges what i say or express to her other days she just doesn’t. So pretty much went in with the intention of this is something that i have to do for me whether or not she says something i will be content in what i did.
So BW and I actually had a conversation about my feelings and what i had been feeling and we left it at that. Well i did at that moment i was relieved that i expressed myself and so i stopped talking her. I also stopped talking to her because at the time she was in a relationship even though we like to say that we are friends. And do I believe that she is my friend in some respect but we have clearly crossed the line of friendship with no intentions if that makes sense. I respected the boundaries of her relationship and quite frankly i didn’t know the balance of when we should talk. So i stopped talking to her and when she wanted to talk she would. So a week later we started talking everyday ….long story short she ended her relationship and emotions were rekindled etc. All the mushy stuff and memories just flooded back to me. I love her a lot more than say i do. When i failed out of college at 19 , one of my first thought were how do i become better person for her. Clearly the idea has evolved and is not just limited to her. My plan/ my procces is to become a better me for God, Cass, my family and hopefully wife and provider for my future family. That is what has motivated me until this point and will continue. I lost that motivation a few months or so im in the progress of getting it back But of course reality sets in we are in two different states. I live in the south and she is in the midwest and there is an age difference.

i have to go to work i write the second part when i get home.
cass

small update

my favorite movie right now is Mississippi Damned.I love the colors from the poster and im thinking about framing it in my apt because it matches the color scheme in my room.

OK so lets me catch you guys up.
In April i decided that i was going to deal with my growing depression head on. I felt like i have had gotten myself into a whole that i could not crawl out of. Everyday it grew deeper. So i went to and decided to get therapy which was really hard for me because recognizing that you have a problem is scary and i was very concerned about what other people would think. Everyday is a struggle waking up used the most difficult thing for me do but now it easier and it gets better everyday. But um yea i moved into my apartment celebrate my 21st birthday and max and aden all came in may. I have been writing in my journal more than on here so i will post those on here soon.
I hope everybody is doing well
thanks for supporting me
Cass